Righteous Anger

My righteous anger was replaced by self-pity. To that end, here is today's journal entry, the first I've written in years and years:

3/12/11
Ah. Finally something to write about. A nerve has been touched; curiosity stirred. In a conversation with my sister last night, a profound question was asked in regard to the circumstances in which I claim to let my emotinos rule, yet I'm discovering, I am rather emotionless. The question was, "Where is your righteous anger?"
And what a question it is. Only hours later, I wake with this on my mind-on my heart. Will the Lord finally reveal something to me? So far, my only thought is, I am, ghastly as it is to admit, more concerned with the comfort of others, including my own children, than with the condition of their heart. At times, I have prided myself wit pretty words like "compassion" and "mercy." And yes, I do believe in those spiritual gifts...and I clearly recall asking God over the last few years why it seemed he'd taken my genuine love for people from me. For in recent years, it's true, I began just to not care. As if I'd traded hearts with someone, my compassion and caring turned to stone. Perhaps I was simly "jaded." Which itself implies a need for cover, protection. Certainly I can recall being hurt, wounded, let down, but it strikes me, quite literally, that somehow, as my sister put it, I tend to "fear my anger." I fnd this very interesting and for now can only attribute it to years of self-numbness, disappointment and the art - or curse - of learning to die to my emotions.
Whatever the case in this newfound discovery/search, I believe that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. As one who is rarely, if ever, interested in seeing my own sin, or even being aware of it, another "art", I am now asking God the same question. "Where is my righteous anger?" I trust, Lord, you will show me. You will use me with my very own children by exposing this sin and you will make perfect this weakness that has been meant for such harm and destruction.
In my warped, evil thinking, maybe somehow I rationalized not caring was being selfless - that by burying my right to thoughts, values, actions, would put others "first." Perhaps I didn't feel worthy of exerting any anchoring in the vessel I'd so badly botched. but surely, I have come to the conclusion that contrary to a person of love and compassion, I am as empty as they come. Caring of everyone's comfort and feelings, perhaps, but a genuine, Christ-like love, I have not. My prayer as I endeavor to ask God to reveal these things is for a healing - in sum - to be consumed with the work of Christ - the knowledge that by only becoming more like Jesus will I die to myself and this fake love...the kind that destroys and does not build up. How sinful, selfish and naive I have been - which I confess has caused wounding and heartache, a forfeit of the gifts God has given that I must reclaim, believing that the blood of Jesus will cover.
Where is my righteous anger? I do not know, but I intend to trust God to show me- give it to me- I trade my passiveness for Christ's boldness-my complacency fr his passion, my comfort for His glory-my hurt for His healing... I think that's beauty for ashes.

P.S. Shortly after writing this, I concluded that quite possibly, it could me medication that covers are real feelings. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, necessarily. Just reminds me of the woman that mistook her birth control for prozac. She had 10 kids, but didn't care! LOL