I'm sorry

Man, there is no escaping this anger. And there is nowhere for it to go. I feel so sorry for you I can't even stay angry because I wonder if you can even help yourself anymore. I guess my energy in wanting to wipe "him" off the face of the earth has been replaced by loving and caring for your son. But the anger just seems to melt into a dozen other emotions. Today, I'm mostly sorry. I'm sorry you aren't the one snuggling with this sweet precious baby. I'm sorry you won't be worrying yourself sick when he doesn't feel well only to be relieved when he feels better. I'm sorry you won't be the one he looks to and looks for and looks up to.  I'm sorry you won't rise to challenges and look back and wonder how you ever got through it and feel like you're the strongest creature on earth. I'm sorry you don't have someone that will take you out to eat or to a movie. I'm sorry he ruined your birthday an Christmas and my birthday and your brothers birthday and nearly very day in between and you still feel like you have to be with him. I'm sorry you don't realize nobody wants anything to do with the life you've chosen. Im sorry i don't  comprehend how someone is raised their whole life with love and and decides a needle in her arm is worth throwing everything away for. Im sorry we cant accept the people that give you drugs as members of our family. Im sorry your disrespect is intolerable and has cost you almost every relationship with any hope of being healthy. Im sorry   life is so hard and nothing ever goes your  way and that everybody  lets you down.  Im sorry the world will judge you by your actions. I'm sorry your son will grow to realize where your priorities lie. I'm sorry he isn't your priority. I'm sorry your friends call me and ask me why you chose to live with him instead of with your baby. I'm sorry we can't be friends or have normal mother/daughter conversations. I'm sorry you have no one to talk to and no friends you can trust and that I cannot stand to hear the same predicaments and expected remedies that never come. Im sorry youre constantly disappointed because you depend on irresponsible people and nothing ever goes the way you plan it because they are ao unreliable. Im sorry my husband who has cared and provides for you since you were 8 years old is a sonofabitch because he wont listen to you scream and cuss and cause an uproar in his household after 3+ years of pure hell. Im sorry for when your baby gets attached to him because he is the one that carries him to and from the car every day and goes to get his food and fixes his medicine and gives him his paci in the wee hours of the morning. I'm sorry I don't jump for joy to know you have food stamps and are living off an elderly person and are surrounded by people who bring you down  . I'm sorry I can't listen to how "mommy and daddy" are buying Christmas presents and manage to keep a smile on my face when I know the next week you won't have gas for a visit but will have cigarettes and probably liquor and other things not good for you. I'm sorry I wince when I hear the onslaught of medical ailments over and over because you won't even go to the doctor for free to take care of yourself   I'm sorry you're shocked that you actually have responsibilities like expired drivers licenses and normal, everyday inconveniences necessary to function in society. Im sorry i cant pay the renewal fee and that you are completely clueless as to how financially burdensome your decision has been for us. Im sorry that most people cannot look at your decision as one if selfless love, but rather selfish abandonment. Im sorry most people call a spade a spade. Im sorry your dad doesnt even answer your calls yet just a few short years ago was telling you its ok to quit school, letting you drink, Smoke, and have a boyfriend stay the night. Im sorry youve insisted on following his shitty example. I'm sorry you're hellbent on being grown yet you don't even have shampoo to wash your hair or feminine products.  I'm sorry your infant son has to go to daycare for 10 hours a day when he could have his momma all to himself. . I'm sorry you feel you can't leave your boyfriend for any length of time without worrying and having anxiety attacks for fear of what he might do while you're gone. I'm sorry you didn't use your mental health insurance one time before it expires January 1. I'm sorry you don't have the $12 for a county mental health visit. I'm sorry you haven't the decency to go to the health department and get birth control. I'm sorry you ran up about $5,000 of medical emergency and ambulance visits because you were too lazy to follow up with your free Medicaid. I'm sorry you can't depend on me anymore and that you lost the best friend you've ever had and I'm sorry that I did too.

She grew up a beauty; had the world at her feet

Instead of staying at home she chose a life on the street 

With a needle in her arm and pills all around

Man I don't wanna have to put my baby girl in the ground

Her pretty baby boy is just 3 months old

Why the hell wouldnt she listen to a thing she was told

I couldn't overcome those things that drowned out my voice. 

I guess she can't overcome that she forced me to make a choice 

Now I'm raising this child, who is a part of us both

Seeing to his every need and watching each part of his growth 

Precious love, precious love, why do you come with such strife 

Precious boy, little boy, I pray you'll have a beautiful life 

To Her

February 1, 2012
We used to stand on the rays of the sun
We used to dance on the waves, having our fun
Now we can't even seem to reach
It's a struggle even to speak
My words are like fire, yours cold as ice
Could I have ever known it would demand such a price
To love you, to hold you, to gaze at your face
Now I'm just here, numb and out of place
We're both headstrong and so we choose to go along
I sure hope we meet on common ground
While we're both here to have the other around

May 19, 2012
Could it be that I'm never satisfied?
Or do I just want off this crazy ride?
You see an angel, I see a demon
Dragging you down with all this schemin
I don't understand, what is the deal
When did lies become what's "real"?
You treat my pain like it's a mere tickle
No wonder I've become so damned fickle
I hate being the enemy; I want to be your friend
It's just that I don't see that the madness will ever end
I can't get that night outta my head
The realization that you could be dead
Not his fault...I'll give you that
But he's done nothing but lead you down this dangerous path

June 3, 2012
Come home with me
Be wild and free
release this misery
Oh baby baby baby

November 26, 2012
I've been hatin not embracin
The whole time my heart is racin
Trying to be a mother to you and your son
While not remembering I am only one
Waking up daily to see if I've killed yet
I can't believe I didn't splatter his blood the day we met
I am not well; I refuse to come to terms with this hell